Written at 10pm…10 days home
Everything crashed into itself tonight.
Little man has been making so much progress with breast feeding. It’s insane that two days feel like two years…but when two days include 20+ feeds I guess that makes sense.
He “rage feeds” for anywhere from 5-30 minutes before he can actually calm down enough to latch. After the NICU, being separated, bottle feeding with formula to get him released, and a tongue tie… learning to breast feed has been a challenge.
But he’s trying. And he tried tonight…frantically rooting around and head butting me and screaming.
We try everything. Different positions, calm breathing, syringing pumped breast milk into his mouth when he’s near my nipple to get him to latch (a brilliant technique from my doula). He will latch, and immediately fall asleep and detach, or he won’t latch and rage in frustration. He was so frustrated tonight, and I was so tired. My husband stood over us, syringing breast milk to bribe him, and holding his hand so he doesn’t use it to shove my boob out of his mouth. My incision is screaming from sitting upright all day during feeds. I’m allergic to most painkillers so even the hardest stuff I can take doesn’t really cut it. My nipples are raw and exhausted from evening hourly cluster feeds.
And then I hear a pop, and my neck goes out. Shooting pain down my back. Nothing I’m not used to. But it’s the icing on the cake. Trying not to cry, I lie down in bed at the urging of my mom and we try to feed side-lying. He latches. My neck screams in pain. My uterus contracts intensely. Incision site burns. Nipples throb. But he’s eating.
I silently cry.
In pain, but mostly in frustration.