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Motherhood

Marriage after baby is a whole different ballgame.

I’ve been married for 8 years and with my husband for 15.

Essentially since we were fetal.

We know each other so well it’s frightening and obnoxious.

We were “that couple” in high school that made people throw up in their mouths because of annoying cuteness.

(Not so much in the physical sense- I had an unfortunate haircut that made me look like a mop, gnarly braces-filled teeth, and a unibrow.  My husband…. dammit, he was totally cute.  What a dick.)

We were a pretty solid, easy-going couple.

I never thought I would want to punch him on such a regular basis…. enter, BABY.

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Marriage after baby
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photo: hello pinecone

Alt. title- “When in doubt, pee.”

admin-ajax (2) Always pee.

When you wake up, pee.

When baby goes down for a nap, pee.

Every free second you have, every time you think of it… pee.

Because you will inevitably forget, and then the baby will fall asleep on you for the first time all day, and you will get stuck, and have to somehow extricate yourself from a 6 month old who somehow weighs 800 pounds and will startle at a pin drop…so you will sit, and squirm, because you will HAVE TO PEE SO BAD.

And then the baby will sleep for 2 hours.

Do yourself a favor, always pee.

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September 8, 2016

Post Partem WTF.

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Alt. title- “Let’s talk about unwanted bodily fluids.”

So, you spend 10 months growing a human being inside your body.

You ache, you pee, you have weird growths and skin tags and unwanted hair, you fart …just….all the time.

You think, this is it, this is the worst part.  After the baby comes, everything will go back to normal.

Then the baby comes.

And the universe says MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you’re dumb.

Here are some super fun things to look forward to after you bring home your screaming squishy alien bundle of joy/poop!

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Pregnancy post partum