Post Partem WTF.
Alt. title- “Let’s talk about unwanted bodily fluids.”
So, you spend 10 months growing a human being inside your body.
You ache, you pee, you have weird growths and skin tags and unwanted hair, you fart …just….all the time.
You think, this is it, this is the worst part. After the baby comes, everything will go back to normal.
Then the baby comes.
And the universe says MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you’re dumb.
Here are some super fun things to look forward to after you bring home your screaming squishy alien bundle of joy/poop!
Thank god a friend warned me about this, otherwise I would have thought I was going to die of melting.
Apparently, because your body retains so much water when you’re pregnant and it has to leave you afterwards… you sweat it out in the middle of the night.
Buy a waterproof cover for your bed, (it will come in handy when your baby pees on it) and put a towel down underneath you for the first few weeks. Then, don’t be alarmed when you wake up literally swimming in your own sweat.
You’d think this one would be more obvious, but I wasn’t expecting it after having a C-Section.
But, with either a vaginal birth or c-section birth, you will bleed for a few weeks post-partem. A lot. Way more for the first few days and then it should taper off, but expect a few weeks of wearing pads.
I ended up buying reusable pads from Amazon that I loved. If you have to wear them everyday, they might as well be extra soft and comfortable.
I’m not a doctor – duh- so check with yours if the bleeding seems like too much. Mine said “too much” equals soaking a maxi pad every hour.
Just… all the feelings.
All the time.
Sometimes for no reason.
Sometimes for a whole bunch of reasons.
It’s all normal.
Except for when it’s not. If it’s too much and doesn’t feel normal or OK…talk to someone.
I can’t stress that enough.
I am a huge, HUGE fan of seeing a therapist. There’s nothing like talking to someone who’s completely unbiased and separate from your situation. And most importantly, someone who can tell you you’re OK, that you’re doing great.
Or your partner. Your parents. Friends. Other moms. Your doctor.
Talk to SOMEONE.
You are not alone.
On a brighter note…. you will leak from you boobs and your vagina. YAY!
I also incorrectly assumed that because I had a c-section, kegels would not be as important in my life.
Those pesky pelvic floor muscles get all screwed up no matter how your baby enters the world, so do those kegels… before and after birth. Your clothes (and your dignity) will thank you. (At least you’re wearing pad the first few weeks so you can pee on it. Silver lining.)
And don’t even get me started on breast-feeding.
That’s it’s own post.
I will say, however, that you should invest in some good boob hats.
That’s what my husband calls reusable covers for your leaky nipples.
Not as relevant if you’re not breast-feeding, and the disposable ones work fine, but I have an over-production problem and need the big guns.
Also, if you haven’t fed your baby recently enough, you can shoot milk out of your nipple and across the room.
I learned this 3 weeks in, when my I got sick, and, leaking boogers out my nose and tears out my eyes while watching my newborn pee on the bed, I took off my bra to feed him and sprayed milk all the way to the other side of the room.
Basically, there are way too many fluids… everywhere but in your skin.
When I got home from the hospital, my face looked like I had hiked Everest and lost.
My lips were so cracked and bleeding the first week that I did a desperate “HELP ME, OTHER MOMS!” post on facebook, and got some great recommendations for chapsticks.
My favs are Pawpaw, Waxelene, and Aquaphor. A good range of super-hippy-organic and super-unhippy-chemically. And…I’m pretty sure the chemicals won and the Aquaphor is what actually helped. Although now that I’m past that stage I use the others more regularly.
The skin of my face, neck, and chest was not only Sahara desert dry, but sensitive as fuck. It hated everything with fragrance (not a huge loss since we were crazy about using unscented products with baby), all kinds of lotion (thank god for coconut oil), Sunscreen (hello, hives all over my face) and the sun itself.
Once I started walking outside regularly, about 4 weeks post-partem, I would return home to find my neck and chest bright red and covered in little bumps that were SO ITCHY. I’m pretty sure it was sun poisoning, and it got better over time.
I can sum up this post in a quote from my doctor when I told him about the rash.
“Yeah…it’s hormones. Having a baby really fucks you up. Sorry.”
Well said, doc.
also… WTF, body.
What’s your favorite post-partem WTF?