The Hard Poop on Pregnancy

admin-ajax (2)Alternate titles: The Inconsistent Poop, Hard Times at Poop High, or You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Til It’s Gone

*disclaimer…husband, you do not want to read this post.

No one warned me about the havoc pregnancy wreaks on your digestive system.  For me, it’s constipation.  I inherited what’s scientifically known as a “freakish hummingbird speed metabolism” and thus, had no idea how to handle this new phenomenon which resulted in frequent phone calls to my mother with tearful questions like “can you actually explode from too much air in your intestines?”

Pooping became the super popular girl in high school who says she wants to hang out and be your friend but then never calls you back, combined with the childhood best friend you took for granted until she grew up and got cooler than you and moved away to start a billion dollar tech company or something and left you in the uncomfortable, bloated, crampy dust.

I know this is not the case for every pregnant gal.  I have a good friend who had diarrhea her entire pregnancy…TMI, I know…but you’re reading a post about poop sooooo….you might need these:

The top 5 things that have helped me poop emoji

admin-ajax (2) 1. Prunes.

You feel like you turned 80 overnight when purchasing them, and can sense the cashier’s knowing/slightly disgusted look, and they have the consistency of a giant booger.  BUT, if you can choke them down, they are slimy little miracle workers.

admin-ajax (2) 2. Prune Juice.

Less booger-y.  Add to orange juice to lessen the medicinal taste.  (Bonus!  If you’re counting kicks the sugar will make the baby frantically karate chop your uterus for a good 10 minutes, which you would feel bad about except you are too relieved that they are alive.)

admin-ajax (2) 3. Special K.

Or any other fiber fortified breakfast cereal, Special K is just my childhood favorite. I have very bland taste buds.

admin-ajax (2) 4. Prenatal yoga.

Any exercise is good to get things moving, but there are a few specific yoga poses that help immensely.  I have a very LA-hippyorganic-locally sourced-surprisingly awesome and helpful book called The Mindful Mom-To-Be by Lori Bregman and she describes different yoga poses for each unpleasant pregnancy symptom.  My poop inducing favorite is supported bridge (with a block or bolster under your sacrum).  Squats really help too.  They suck.  But they help.

admin-ajax (2) 5. Toilet interpretive dance.

This is the most helpful thing I’ve found…I might have made it up.  It’s also the most TMI, so if you don’t want to know weird details about my pooping habits…well…you shouldn’t have started reading this post.  When on the toilet… Move your upper body….do hip circles and upper body circles…stretch your arms overhead to stretch your sides and lower back out (I swear lower back tension makes it all worse)…maybe put some music on so you feel less weird…just…you know, move how it feels good…dance it out.

I told a friend of mine about this and her immediate response was that it sounded like a human soft serve ice cream machine…a horrifyingly graphic yet accurate description.
That’s an image you carry with you for life.  You’re welcome.

Happy pooping!

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What helps you poop?

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