Things That Terrify Me
Pregnancy seems super exciting until it happens…then…everything is terrifying…like…
Pregnancy is scary no matter what. Pregnancy after a miscarriage is really, really hard. It’s wonderful and a miracle and amazing, and you’re extra grateful of course.
But the fear is always there, it never leaves.
Every time I read about anyone losing their baby, it’s there. Every time I go to the bathroom, it’s there. Every doctors appointment, it’s there. Every time I can’t feel him kick, it’s there. Every time I get too happy, too excited, too content, it’s there with such force it knocks me down into the fetal position. (Irony.)
The worry, the constant vigilance, the anxiety, the need to do everything “right” for your baby when you don’t know what’s fully right, the second-guessing, the over-thinking, the fear. Sometimes it’s in the forefront and the reasons are obvious, which is somehow easier to deal with. It’s tangible. You can taste it and identify it and understand why it’s there. But mostly, it’s waiting, dormant, for when you let your guard down, when you think maybe this is really happening.
Toxo-whatever… all the weird bacteria you have no knowledge of until you get pregnant and learn that you can’t eat anything. All the food that will kill your baby. Eat nothing. Ask every server if the cheese is pasturized…recoil in terror when you’re in the proximity of raw meat, sandwich meats, or pre-packaged anything. Live on bird food…but stay away from birds…and cats…just…live in a bubble.
No. Just. No.
The idea that after surviving pregnancy and birth, your baby could still die for no apparent reason is…WTF is that, nature?
Ever. Accidents. Illness. All of it.
Now that I think about it…. let’s add my husband dying for any reason. Ever. My mom. My family. My best friends. Me. Anyone I love. All the people dying. My DOGS dying. Any of it. I hate all of it. I know it’s life and it’s inevitable and makes you appreciate the good times and whatever and shut up it’s the worst and I hate it.
I love my people so damn hard. Losing them is the most terrifying thing I can think of.
But with fear… when you acknowledge it, when you talk about it, when you sit with it… it lessens its control over you. It takes away its power. My mom always says, worrying about the plane crashing does not keep the plane in the air.
So I will choose hope. I will choose excitement and happiness and love.
I will CHOOSE it, over fear.
And I will honor the women who have weathered these losses with love and grace and strength, and moved on and taken care of their family and taken care of themselves.
And now, because writing this was emotional and exhausting.
I will take a nap.
What terrifies you and how do you cope with it?