love and loss quote

Things That Terrify Me

Pregnancy seems super exciting until it happens…then…everything is terrifying…like…

admin-ajax (2)1.Miscarriage.

Pregnancy is scary no matter what.  Pregnancy after a miscarriage is really, really hard.  It’s wonderful and a miracle and amazing, and you’re extra grateful of course. 

But the fear is always there, it never leaves.

Every time I read about anyone losing their baby, it’s there.  Every time I go to the bathroom, it’s there.  Every doctors appointment, it’s there.  Every time I can’t feel him kick, it’s there. Every time I get too happy, too excited, too content, it’s there with such force it knocks me down into the fetal position.  (Irony.)

The worry, the constant vigilance, the anxiety, the need to do everything “right” for your baby when you don’t know what’s fully right, the second-guessing, the over-thinking, the fear.  Sometimes it’s in the forefront and the reasons are obvious, which is somehow easier to deal with.  It’s tangible.  You can taste it and identify it and understand why it’s there.  But mostly, it’s waiting, dormant, for when you let your guard down, when you think maybe this is really happening.

admin-ajax (2)2. Listeria

Toxo-whatever… all the weird bacteria you have no knowledge of until you get pregnant and learn that you can’t eat anything.  All the food that will kill your baby.  Eat nothing.  Ask every server if the cheese is pasturized…recoil in terror when you’re in the proximity of raw meat, sandwich meats, or pre-packaged anything.  Live on bird food…but stay away from birds…and cats…just…live in a bubble.

admin-ajax (2)3. Stillbirth.

No.  Just.  No.

admin-ajax (2)4. SIDS.

The idea that after surviving pregnancy and birth, your baby could still die for no apparent reason is…WTF is that, nature?

admin-ajax (2)6. My child dying for any reason.

Ever.  Accidents.  Illness.  All of it.

Now that I think about it…. let’s add my husband dying for any reason. Ever. My mom. My family. My best friends.  Me. Anyone I love.  All the people dying.  My DOGS dying.  Any of it.  I hate all of it.  I know it’s life and it’s inevitable and makes you appreciate the good times and whatever and shut up it’s the worst and I hate it.

I love my people so damn hard.  Losing them is the most terrifying thing I can think of.

Always.

admin-ajax (2)But with fear… when you acknowledge it, when you talk about it, when you sit with it…  it lessens its control over you.  It takes away its power.  My mom always says, worrying about the plane crashing does not keep the plane in the air.

So I will choose hope.  I will choose excitement and happiness and love.

I will CHOOSE it, over fear.

And I will honor the women who have weathered these losses with love and grace and strength, and moved on and taken care of their family and taken care of themselves.

They are warriors.  And I am in awe of themadmin-ajax

And now, because writing this was emotional and exhausting.

I will take a nap.

Captureadmin-ajax

naphardadmin-ajax

What terrifies you and how do you cope with it?

4 Comments

  • Lauren Waterstone
    Reply

    Wow! You took the thoughts right out of my Head. I think about these things all the time. My husband and I are not trying yet but will be soon. And I’m scared shitless. Thanks for taking the time to put these words/thoughts out in to the world! I hope today went amazing and you and baby are doing well!!! One of my oldest friends gave birth to her beautiful baby girl Alexa today her husband passed away suddenly a few months ago. Watching her strength gives me HOPE for the future and ready give it my all. Ahhhh that’s so scary!

    • katiesavoy
      Reply

      Oh man that’s awful… I’m so sorry for your friend…what amazing strength and resilience! It’s all terrifying but two weeks in it’s a billion percent worth it in every way 🙂 Miss you sweet lady! So happy for you and your new puppy-baby!

  • Katie VB
    Reply

    We are so happy for you! And our HOPE is that the challenges, fears, anxiety that have been part of your “becoming a parent” story will make you more relaxed, not more anxious, in your parenting. We found we were much more low key parents then we ever imagined we’d be once we finally got our boys home from the hospital. Sure, with each we had THE THING that we stressed about while they were infants, and of course now we get hung up on stupid stuff and fight about things that don’t really matter, but we don’t stress about whether we are doing this parenting “right” and we actively want our boysto take risks and challenge themselves, even when it scares us a little, because we know what a gift it is that they are able to make those choices at all. And we count ourselves very lucky that as challenging as our start to parenthood was, we did not have to grieve a miscarriage or loss. SO, all that is a very long comment meant to share encouragement and our excitement for you. Happy Motherhood!
    (and YES Listeria, geeze, do pregnant ladies really need another thing to stress about?)

    • katiesavoy
      Reply

      Katie!!! It’s so great to hear from you! It’s definitely been amazing to me how much having him has calmed my anxiety instead of increasing it…the constant need for attention definitely helps 🙂 It’s hard to over think things when you have a ravenous piranha on your hands! I’m so glad that you guys are doing well!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *